Forgiveness
by Ferdy 63
Summary: This is the conversation that I wanted Carol and Daryl to have during the last episode. I'm so worried about Carol and I want her to talk to him. I'm hearing rumors that she may be getting killed this season and Melissa McBride was crying during the panel at Comic Con when they asked her questions. It would be horrible to lose her from the show. Please let me know what you think


Daryl sat leaning against the butt of the crossbow and watching her. She was different now. Hell, so was he, so was everyone else. They'd all been through the worst kind of shit, but there was something about the pain in her eyes that was different.

Tyrese had talked to him. He said he'd forgiven Carol and he wanted all of them to forgive her as well. Daryl had no problem with that. He might not agree with what she'd done at the prison but he knew that she wasn't some crazy ass murderer. She'd done it because she felt it was what had to be done to save them all. He could understand where her head was at during that time. They'd all been panicked, afraid. She'd made a bad decision and it wore on her. There was something else, though, something more than that.

Tyrese said they'd lost the girls, Lizzie and Mika. That's all he'd been willing to say, told them it was too hard to talk about. Carol hadn't even said that much. In fact she'd barely spoken at all since they'd found each other again. He was worried about her, afraid it was all getting to be too much for her to bear. Her face looked pale in the moonlight but it was watchful and on guard. He shifted slightly and started to ask her a question but she knew him too well.

"I don't want to talk about it. I can't," she said softly without looking at him.

"Alright," he answered, but it wasn't. He knew something was killing her. He knew how it felt to carry something inside that cut at you like a thousand little knives, and the wounds just kept getting deeper and deeper with each day that passed. It made you into something less than human. It pulled the life out of you. He couldn't watch that happen to her.

"No, hell no, I'm sorry but it ain't alright, Carol," he said suddenly, causing her to turn and look at him in surprise. "Look I don't know what you been through. I get that. We all had to go through some shit, but we found each other again. We got another chance at this. You taught me that shuttin' down ain't the answer. Now, you're doin' the same thing. Talk to me," he told her earnestly.

"Why? You can't help me, Daryl. What's done is done. I have to live with that. I just want to forget it. I need to forget it," she told him with her eyes cast toward the cold ground beneath them.

"That's it, though. You ain't gon just forget it. It's gonna keep eatin' at you. Whatever it is, you can tell me. I know you, Carol. I know you! Whatever you've done, it's not unforgivable," he promised as he reached to place a hand on her shoulder.

She looked at him then with tears welling in her eyes. "Some things are, though, Daryl. Some things are unforgivable. I killed Karen and David when they were weak and sick. I thought, somehow, that I was protecting everyone, Lizzie, Mika, Judith and the other kids. I thought I could keep them all safe. I couldn't keep Sophia safe but I thought if I made them stronger, taught them how to fight, I thought they'd be safe."

"Carol you did right by those girls, by all those kids. You went back after Rick left you outside to make sure they were okay. You saved Judith. People, including kids, die in this world no matter how careful you are. It's the way things are now. It ain't your fault," he told her.

She tucked her face into her hands and whispered, "You just don't know, Daryl. You don't know. It is my fault. It's all my fault. I gave her that knife. I taught her how to kill. I did that and that was why I had to stop her."

A cold chill ran down his spine at her words. "What are you talkin' about?" he asked warily.

She looked up at him . Her eyes were cold and her expression blank. "Lizzie. I'm talking about Lizzie, a poor, sick little girl who should have been protected from the harshness of the world. Instead, I pushed her… to be tough, to fight. I taught her about using knives and guns. I knew she wasn't thinking clearly. I just didn't see how bad it was, not until it was too late," she confessed. With each word, her body seemed to deflate just a bit until she looked small and fragile enough to be carried away by the slightest breeze.

"Lizzie? What…. happened to Lizzie? You lost the girls...they were killed, right? " he asked, afraid almost to hear the truth.

Carol's face had lost all color. She looked like she was made of stone as she said, "They were killed, Daryl, just not by walkers. Lizzie killed Mika . She stabbed her, wanted Mika to turn so we could see…could see that walkers were okay, that they wanted to be our friends. She was about to do the same thing to Judith.. She was sick, Daryl. I should have seen it. Mika tried to tell me, but I didn't realize….Oh, my god, Daryl. She killed her own sister. Mika was lying there, so still. She wasn't even cold yet. She looked like she could have been asleep. I had to push my knife into her head, into that sweet innocent face." Carol was almost hyperventilating as she spoke. He reached over and pulled her to him. He could feel how thin she'd gotten. Her arms and shoulders felt like a frantic bird against his chest.

"It's alright, Carol. Nobody knew. How could you know? All this shit, it messed with her head. It wasn't your fault. I'm sorry, so sorry," he told her as he pulled her close.

"But…I….I…," she hiccupped between sobs, " I killed Lizzie. I had to Daryl. She would have done it again. She didn't understand. She didn't think she'd done anything wrong. She was proud of it, wanted to show us, make us see them the way she did. Tyrese and I talked about it. We tried to come up with a way but there was nothing we could do. I had to do it, Daryl. I made her into someone who could kill so I had to stop her before she hurt anyone else," she told him through the sobbing.

Daryl was too shocked to speak for a moment. Too many thoughts were roaring through his head. For just one moment, he wondered if Carol had possibly lost her mind. Then he remembered Tyrese's face when he said they lost the girls, how he couldn't talk about it. He remembered how devoted Carol was to the safety of those girls after their father died. And, he remembered something else. He remembered the rats at the fence where someone was feeding the walkers and the rabbit cut apart and tacked to a board that Tyrese found down in the tombs.

This world didn't allow children to be young and carefree. It put them through hell, and they either had to get strong to survive like Carl had done or they died. Now, he realized that there was another possible outcome. Sometimes a child, like Lizzie, was broken by this world in a way that was irreparable and unforgiving. He felt emotion choking him as he held Carol and rocked her in his arms.

They sat together for a long while, just holding each other. Carol finally stopped sobbing. She leaned back and wiped her face with her hand. "You see now, Daryl, why I don't belong with people anymore. I need to go away somewhere by myself. I need to let Tyrese forget about me, about what happened to the girls. I don't deserve to be forgiven by you or anyone," she told him.

Daryl knew now why she had been so quiet. She didn't think she belonged with them anymore. She didn't feel worthy of their forgiveness or their love. It was a feeling he knew well. It made him angry to think that she was giving in to that emotion.

"You listen to me," he said as he grabbed her shoulders and held her square in front of him, "You 're strong. You saved all our asses at Terminus. You've done some things that were hard, things you hated, but we all have. We done what it takes to survive, to protect what we love. It ain't a matter of forgiveness. We're all in the same boat, Carol, and if any of us deserve to be here, then you do, too. We've all lost too much. I ain't losin' you, not again. You hear me. If you even think about leavin', I'll kick your ass and tie you down. I ain't losin' no one else."

She looked at him and put her hands up to cup his face. "But Daryl, how do I keep going? How do I forget? I don't know how to do it anymore."

He let go of her shoulders and reached to take her hands in both of his. "You…you just lean on me. I'll pull you through, kickin' and screamin' if I have to. You did it for me back when all this started. You made me believe I was worth somethin', made me a part of this family. Now, it's my turn to do it for you. Just don't leave me , woman. I can't go through that again."

She was crying again and choking back sobs but she looked up at him with a tiny, shaking smile and just nodded. It was enough. He knew she was going to try and he wasn't going to let her fall. They had each other again and together they could make it through anything.


End file.
